||[Aug. 10th, 2013|05:05 pm]
i have not been doing my relaxation/meditation exercise for the past few days. these are the same exercises prescribed to me by my psychologist over a year ago, and even though my sessions with my psych ended coming onto a year, i still sit through the 17 minute exercise every day in the morning.|
i have lost a lot of interest in world politics and generally things going on in the world (albeit temporarily), part responsibility for this goes to the two and a bit month month break i took from news media, but currently because my mind is occupied by women. all i think about it getting laid. that's it. a one track mind. i want female company that is not of the platonic sort and i want to fuck her. FUCKING, THAT IS ALL I THINK ABOUT.
i realise the extent of my frigidity. i am generally more confident than most people, i don't how i can make that statement with any accuracy but from my experience, i am more confident than most people i meet. EXCEPT when it comes to women. and in that case i am beyond incompetent.
i have a real difficulty talking to women, no doubt some of it is religious and culturally related and the rest my sociopathic like personality and varied and inconsistent mental states and life situations of the past 7 years. i have never understood (i think until now) how to sugar coat the 'can i stick my dick into you?' when talking to women, because that is what's going on. i have never felt more 'ready' than i do now for a relationship, as in i feel good about myself, i'm not as volatile as i once was and i think i'm a pretty interesting person without the insane eccentricities i once had - well they're still there i just have some control on them. also, not to blow my trumpet any further which is exactly what i'm going to do, i'm a pretty fucking exciting person to be around. oh and an also also, aesthetically, i look much better, my hair and my physique and so on.
i had a few sexual encounters at university but in reality, none of them were actually initiated by myself in the conventional sense. i didn't walk up to a girl and let her know how cute she was and then ask for her number. they were just drunk times at some bar or a club or someone's corridor. even the one girlfriend i've had, she did all the leg work in getting us together.
so to go back to my first paragraph, i have been extremely anxious the past couple of days because i want to stick my dick into something and i just want female company (of the non-platonic kind) and i recognise my inexperience and ineptness. this anxiety is also due to forgoing my relaxation exercise for the past few days; not specifically the exercise itself but a reminder to stay mindful at times of high anxiety and then go through mentally the breathing exercises the relaxation teaches.
i aim to talk to one random girl next week and try and get her number. i plan to write about this one experience here so i can figure out where i went wrong. also, it will be interesting reading for myself a few years down the line.
i'm unsure how difficult this will be, because i have noticed an increase in interest from women at work and just walking around. though the idea of walking up to a girl and talking to her makes my skin crawl and makes me feel extremely anxious though there's that 10% of times where i can be in my element and own. uh i don't know. this post is so disjointed because i felt very uneasy writing about this.